A friend of mine was recently telling me about how she went on a date with a guy who she found interesting. They seemed to have a good time, so they went on subsequent dates but then she complained that he stopped responding to her, would only call sporadically until one day he finally disappeared. Okay, most of us who hear this would think.. what a jerk right? But honestly how many of us have dated that guy who never called back, or the one who always kept us waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting for his call. In the end, when you’re at your wits end, he sends a text or for the ‘lucky’ ones a call comes through, where he basically pretends like nothing happened, and doesn’t mention why he din’t call when he was supposed to. It always amazes me how many women put up with this behavior, and then wonder how they missed the signs! Unless you’re living under a rock, there are loud, clear signs when a guy isn’t interested or half heartedly interested in you. You’ve just gotta learn to pay attention to them. That said, how do you find out when someone isn’t interested?
- Does not answer your calls. Someone who doesn’t pick up your calls or only picks up when they wanna pass time is not interested in you. If they wanted to talk to you, they would have answered or at least let you know why they couldn’t talk.
- Does not call you or calls infrequently. He hardly ever calls you or does not call when he says he will. The calls become more and more infrequent, till you’re left wondering what happened. Sometimes, in this situation, you feel like it’s a lacking on your part which caused him to lose interest when it’s really about their issues.
- Uses mostly text, email and other non personal means of communication. If a guy relies on texts and emails to do the bulk of communication, then it is definitely a red alert. People who find you interesting will want to see you in person or if there is distance involved, speak to you on the phone. Any other means of communication is simply not effective and is used by men who aren’t that interested in you.
- Avoids having any ‘serious’ conversation. This includes any discussion on how to take things forward, anything about the future or avoids talking about anything which may be a cause of concern for you. If you do bring up any thing which is important or ask questions, they get uncomfortable and so don’t respond or try to brush it off. If they do, it may well be time to brush them off!
- Keeps you a ‘secret’. People who are not interested always keep you a secret from their family, friends and people who are close to them. It represents complication for them, they don’t want it to go public because it’s always easier to bail out that way. If you’ve been dating someone for weeks and not met their friends, perhaps you should ask why.
- Keeps coming up with excuses as to why the both of you couldn’t have a proper conversation or meet up. Someone was sick, had to run errands, work till late, too much laundry… a never ending list. Cancelling on plans once or twice is fine, if there is a genuine reason and they let you know beforehand wherever possible. You must watch out for a pattern.
- Tends to back away the moment you show interest. If someone’s interest in you seems to go down as yours builds up towards them, then this is a definite Red flag. If you see this happening, just back off. You’ve got better things to do with your time and better people to meet.
- Makes negative statements. He says things like, ” You’re too good for me.” or “I’m not sure if i’m ready for a relationship.” Whatever you do, for goodness sake do not try to rationalise with him. His reasons (or excuses) are his own and have nothing to do with you. Take it for what it is and abort mission!
- Acts ‘distant’. This type of person is never easy to get close to, he basically tries to keep you at arms length at all times. If you’re finding that they are resisting forming an emotional bond, don’t fight it. It’s not your imagination. It’s him.
- Disappears. Surprisingly, this is actually a very common phenomenon, and whats more surprising is the number of people who will put up with this sort of behavior from someone and still keep their interest alive for that person. A lot of guys just ‘disappear’ when they are not interested.
- Busy Busy Busy. He’s too busy to meet, call or even reply to a text. Nobody is THAT busy, not even the president. When someone is interested, they will make the time, if they can’t they can jog on.
- You make all the plans. Whether it’s to meet or talk over the phone in the case of long distance relationships. This is fine if you were in a relationship with yourself but you’re not. Once or twice is fine and lets be honest, you can’t keep a tab for everything. But a consistent lack of input is a sign of disinterest.
- You find out directly or indirectly that he’s dating other people – Either he says so, you find out from mutual friends or his dating profile is still active after weeks or even months of dating you.
- He talks a lot about his ex(s).
- He’s Mr Last Minute. Yup, thats right. Everything is last minute. “i’ll let you know” “lets pay it by the ear” Ahan.. sure. This is exactly what it means, which is, ‘ i like you but are you worth me making advance plans and committing myself a few days ahead, i’m not too sure..’ Thing is, if he can’t commit to a date, what makes you think he has the potential to commit to you for life?
- He leaves you wondering about everything. You never know when he’s gonna call. You’re not too sure when you should call. You don’t know when you’ll meet again or what he thinks about you.
- You feel like there’s an invisible wall. And so you feel uncomfortable asking him anything or making plans. It’s worth pointing out here that if you feel uneasy about just picking up the phone to just talk or make plans to meet, then that’s a red flag. Sit down and have a think first about if there’s any issue and how to address it. The communication should flow smoothly if two people are to get to know each other.
- Keeps playing things down. He’s like to be friends with you first, you know get to know each other first.. thats how it should be IF the ‘friendly’ interaction doesn’t drag on for a long period. Because as nice a thought as it is, that’s not your intention and you certainly don’t do on a date with friends. And next thing you know, months pass and Mr. Friendly still can’t decide if he likes you or not. You’re in danger of being an ‘option’ in this case. Trust me, you know when a guy is interested.
- He never asks you questions about your work, interests or life in general. Also, watch out for signs where he doesn’t make eye contact, if he’s looking blank or uninterested when you talk etc. I remember, one of my exes used to regularly cut me off while i was speaking and it used to really deflate my energy. That’s the last thing you want when you’re looking forward to talking to someone.
- Your Gut Feeling tells you something isn’t right. Listen to it. It never lets you down. It doesn’t matter if someone looks good on paper, but if you think something is amiss or you sense issues, you need to resolve that first.
Remember that, whatever you do, DO NOT try to explain, convince or reason with someone who shows you directly by saying or through their actions that they are not interested. It is demeaning to you, and lets face it, no one is that special. Do not belittle yourself by pursuing someone like that. Be clear about what’s bothering you, simply ask anything you need to know ONLY once and give them a chance to explain. If they act dodgy or vague, cut them off and do not entertain their contact again. You need to occupy your dating time with people who are actually interested in you and are not afraid to show it.