If you’ve ever been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man aka the MANBOY you would know that there is no clarity to anything, everything seems oh so vague including their ability to decide whether they’re in it or not. No matter how much you rack your brains about why it’s happening, no matter what you do.. nothing seems to be enough. While you’re sitting there analysing every bit of the relationship history, often they’re happily carrying along.
“When you finally realise i’m the right person for you, i’ll be right here waiting for you.”
Here’s the thing, the ‘finally’ moment never really arrives and so you remain emotionally invested in something that isn’t really going anywhere.
Often many women fall into the trap of hoping, wishing, waiting for something that’ll spontaneously turn the guy into an emotionally available person. And lets face it, a guy who’s consistently shown that he can’t stand emotional intimacy can’t really be expected to change like that. Its also worth knowing that they don’t need to state it explicitly that they are unsure if it’s evident from their actions.
You can keep hanging around but it’s not gonna make them feel any differently. You know why? Because that situations works for them. They’re perfectly fine carrying on being vague. In fact, if you’re with a ManBoy that’s exactly what he wants, avoiding commitment whether it’s to you being with or without you and having it all on his terms. The moment you ask questions, he gets super dodgy saying how he ‘needs to sort it out in his head’ , ‘the timing is off’, ‘ it’s not you, it’s me’ yikes! i’ve even had an ex tell me , “i’m not sure we’re right for each other” and i STILL kept persisting until one fine day after yet another ignore session and anxiety filled few hours when i thought my brain would explode, it dawned on me that no matter what i said or did, no matter how patient i got or how many chances i gave, this person will not change. It took that realisation for me to finally get the hell out of the relationship.
Nobody deserves to be put on hold or kept as an option. Waiting for someone to make up their mind indicates low self esteem. It tears apart your confidence and ruins your peace of mind. People with healthy beliefs will not put up with such behavior as it is devaluing and not worth the drama.
The more you try and rationalise things with someone who’s unsure, the more you will get stuck in it. There are all sorts of reasons why someone would hesitate to make their mind up, right from being commitment phobic to figuring out they want something else. But they’re too much of a coward to admit it. There may even be an ex in the picture.. Honestly why would you wait for someone to get over their ex? Are you that desperate that you’d rather suck all self respect out of yourself to be with this person?
You need to ask yourself what is it about them that’s so ‘special’ that you’ll essentially put your life on hold while they live their life AND manage you on THEIR terms. You may think that by you waiting they’ll spontaneously turn into a better person but the fact is, on top of it being unfair to you, it makes them think that they can actually do better than you. Do you deserve better? Absolutely! But only you can get yourself out of the mess. Why do you stay? Some of the typical reasons are –
You think they’ll turn into a better person in a better relationship and you’ll ‘lose’ out. So you’d rather take a very poor version of them than to risk them somehow miraculously turning into prince charming for someone else. The thing is, you’re already losing out by living in denial by refusing to listen to the fact that they haven’t made up their mind and aren’t likely to.
You are scared to be alone. Is it about them or about you? If you’re scared to leave a confidence shattering situation, then you have problems. While its a bummer to not have something work out, you should be putting yourself above your fears and do what’s best for you in the long run.
You feel that since you have waited this long, so might as well wait some more and see. The more time you spend putting in effort to make a one sided ‘relationship’ work, the more difficult it will get for you to get out of it and have a sense of what’s right for you. Do it long enough and you start to feel ‘trapped’.
More importantly, do you feel like by you waiting it’ll show them that you are there for them no matter what, and surely that’ll prompt them to make up their mind?
People who keep you hanging on like that are disconnected from their own emotions. But even they know at some level that for whatever reason, it’s not working for them though that may not communicate it openly. It’s up to you to process the feedback from their actions and take a decision in your best interests. Waiting for them to suddenly turn into Mr Decent and do the right thing by stating their intention or calling it off is giving up responsibility for yourself. They may profess to want to be with you but if they don’t follow it up with matching action, it means it’s not happening.
Similarly, your words and actions need to match too. I’ve seen women make the same mistake, saying they want to be in a mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy who follows through on his promises yet keep doing the very opposite of what’s required to be in such a relationship. When the guy sits on the fence instead of being clear about their expectations and walking if those aren’t met, we try and engage these men. Prolonging something just because you’re afraid of the truth and subsequent consequences isn’t good strategy. Keeping tabs on them, trying to make them see what they’re missing out on, playing hard to get etc – these are all games that will make you feel temporarily good but it won’t change the larger reality that for one reason or another, they will not commit to a relationship with you.
And by the way, if you’ve met someone and they can’t make up their mind – let it go! No point hanging around convincing them how great you are.. Don’t wait for the phone call for forever. You’re better than just waiting around and sending out the message that you don’t really love your life enough to be able to move on to a more deserving relationship. Yes, it does suck when you’re attracted to someone or may even have developed feelings for over a period of time but if they’re showing that they can risk losing you at the cost of making up their mind and whatever changes that requires, then it was never really on to start with.
Don’t let anyone control your mind. Ditch the hesitant guy and make yourself free for someone who is worthy of you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is sure that he wants to be with you. Anything else is just a compromise that is not worth it.