One of the things which women in particular have to struggle with is this idea that the time is running out to meet the special person. You know.. the one who was supposed to make everything ok, make us laugh, make us cry (in a good way), you know just be there for us. And when you feel like you haven’t met that person yet, you start to feel a little jittery. Things seem to get worse with each passing year, you get older, see your old schoolmates get married on Facebook.. heck have babies.. and you think, “what am i doing wrong?”
Now, i’m not going to sit here and say it’s easy. Because it’s not. As someone who is fast approaching her thirties, i can understand how it can be frustrating trying to explain to yourself let alone others why you’re not with someone yet. But you know what, it’s much better than being in a poor relationship or being in perpetual doubt over where a relationship is headed and As far as others are concerned, most people are too self obsessed and generally don’t give a damn about your choices, and you shouldn’t be giving a damn about what people think. Everybody has a different journey in life and it’s up to you to figure out what you’re here for.
Why beat yourself up for something you basically have no control over? And when i say no control, that’s not entirely true. Because you do have control over things like getting clear on what is it that you want in terms of relationship and how to go about getting that.
If you spend more time ruing the fact that you haven’t met someone than actually working out your own needs and expectations, then you have a problem. You can have your own pity party but the fact is that it won’t change much. Feeling like something is wrong with you or the way you think therefore you’re not worthy of a healthy relationship, feeling negative as a result of that, acting on that feeling and thereby having a self fulfilling prophesy is a bad cycle that needs to be broken.
Often i’ve found that the people who are most worried about time running out are the ones that don’t do anything about it! How is it possible that someone has all the time in the world to analyse the crap out of why they’re single and yet they don’t have the time to do the things which might actually help them find someone who’s right for them. If you have not figured out what your values, needs and expectations are, why things din’t particularly work out in your past relationships, your approach going forward and so on, then nothing much will change. You could be sitting there in five years time, wondering why your life seems to be stuck in a rut with no personal development to show for. Now thats scary.
It’s exactly in situations like that, you press the panic button, make a few changes here and there, basically nothing that makes you step outside your ‘comfort’ zone and then go chasing after people who can’t give you what you’re looking for or the ‘safe’ options which is actually a cop out. You carry on with this person and no matter what you do it doesn’t seem to work out, time passes on and you’re left with the same feeling of anxiety and desperation. Cycle repeated.
It is difficult making changes, especially those changes where you don’t get to see immediate results, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not worth making them. But if you keep engaging in the negative beliefs, the cycle will continue. Even if you were to meet the right person, you’d screw it up because deep down you think you don’t deserve a fulfilling relationship. I also know that till i sought happiness outside of myself from someone and compared myself to others, i was never really happy. Things didn’t get better till I chose to live my life according to my personal boundaries and focus on myself and my needs.
It may sound cliched but unless you identify and get rid of major issues and baggage, unless you get clear on what your personal values and boundaries are i.e knowing yourself, what’s important to you, what you will put up with and what you won’t, unless you figure out what makes you happy outside of a relationship, you will struggle even when you’re with someone.
I remember literally forcing myself to join volunteering activities right after my break up and though initially it din’t appeal to me or even make sense, ultimately it ended up being one of the best things to have ever happened to me. You have got to figure out what you would rather be doing with your time and do whatever it takes to ‘push’ yourself to do it. Keep at it and you will start enjoying it. This is needed because you need to have your own thing going on. A relationship is not an emotional crutch.
While we all have a little bit of baggage in our lives (that makes us human), it’s not cool to offload major relationship issues, negatives beliefs and past baggages from previous relationships on to a new person. If you can’t even give yourself a chance by taking a break for a few months, then why should anybody else? Really, think about it.. If you still think the same way, react the same way and ‘feel’ the same way as before, what’s really changed? It will be like same shit, different day.
Take time out and learn to let go of things which aren’t in your control. Use that time to reflect on your experiences and make those changes for yourself so that when you are ready to date, you’re doing it from an honest place. Dating requires effort and attention on your part, which to be fair you won’t be able to give it 100% and that will keep you in the cycle of making bad relationship choices. Don’t put yourself through all that, have the confidence in yourself to say, “Hang on, i may want a relationship but am not prepared to be in one just yet. I’m going to bring the focus back to me for a while.” You will find that the world does not end if you’re single. On the contrary, you stand to gain the most by learning to be happy on your own.