A few months back i got an email from this guy i once dated.. things hadn’t worked out and we went our seperate ways. It got me excited and just after i did a fist pump in the air, i paused and thought, “what is it about this situation that is making me feel this way?” Clearly we weren’t together so why be bothered by something so trivial as an email? It was then as i read it, i realised that it was infact a notification from the email service provider about an email i had sent him quite a while ago, and what’s worse it said that it had been unread and deleted!
I’m going to be honest with you, it did deflate my ego.. I’m glad to say however that it din’t last for long. Now I have spent the best part of the last year in building a better relationship with myself and changing how i feel about certain things in my relationships with other people. So when i got this mail, it was an affirmation of my beliefs. This incident reminded me of something i used to do in the past. I used to wait around hoping for the other person to feel bad, and let me know what an arse they had been.
When you get excited about someone getting back in touch, often it is not about you missing them but it has to do with the fact that you feel validated by them.
Somehow your own judgement about the situation is not enough, it’s as though you actually need the other person to turn around, come crawling back and basically telling you what a big mistake they made in letting you go. All this stems from a lack of belief in ourselves. When we don’t have a healthy self esteem, we need other people to validate us and tell us that we are right. Let me give it to you straight, people have their own issues and agendas in life and therefore cannot give you a hundred percent balanced opinion on things related to you. It is your job to validate yourself and give positive reinforcement to your decisions. If for some reason, things don’t work out with someone, it is not an indication of your worth, and more importantly, what the other person thinks means jack shit. It’s what conclusion YOU draw from it that actually matters.
What you’ve really got to ask yourself is, ” why is it so important to me that they feel like they made a mistake in letting me go?”
The fact that it din’t work, isn’t it good enough for you to move on without hankering for their attention? While you’re sitting there wondering, thinking and then thinking some more, the other person has often moved on, and may well be unaware of the time spent by you analyzing a relationship that doesn’t even exist. Infact, truth be told, if they were to come back, you would still not want them. It just din’t work, that is why the relationship is over.
You don’t need their approval to feel good about yourself. They are not an authority on measuring someone’s worth. Trust me, they have got issues of their own to deal with. Everyone does. If they did not want to be with you, its their reading of the situation. Wish them well and move on. End of story. What’s the use in trying to get attention from someone who wants to go their own way? If them saying no is having you hooked on, you’ve got problems that you need to address.
Now i understand that your ego got bruised because you felt rejected. Nevermind that you had a million doubts about it when you were with them, but now that they said no, suddenly your mind goes into overdrive and you start thinking that maybe just maybe you did the wrong thing. You could have done X or Y differently. Not clicking with someone is indicative of a difference in value systems. Someone who is meant to go all the way with us will want to work things out, not leave halfway. It takes a person with faith in their values and belief system to understand this.
Think about it, its not that you want them, but you want them to acknowledge what a great person you are, so you can feel good about yourself and then let them down gently eventually. If they hadn’t taken the call, you would probably be still there, neither in the so called relationship, nor out of it. Depending on your level of self esteem, you might even have come across someone who just prefers to let things drag on just like you.. this is why some relationships get so complicated!
You don’t need them to think you’re an awesome person. Are you kidding me? Who are they to put their stamp of approval on you? You have got your own sense of judgement and you can decide for yourself. People who have got their own baggage, and we all do to an extent, are in no position to judge you.
You don’t need them to feel regret about what happened to move on. They don’t care either ways, they have made their decision and hopefully for your sake, they’re sticking with it. Even if they had felt any regret, it din’t stop them from calling it off, so it really doesn’t matter what they feel. It only matters how YOU feel.
You don’t need to ‘reject’ them first to prove that you are worthy enough. It’s not a game, there’s no winner here. You are under no obligation to be with them if things don’t work, and vice versa. What does it matter who ends it? You should be glad that things din’t drag on unnecessarily. You don’t need to be the one to initiate the break up. It’s fine, the best way to show them that you’ve moved on is to well, actually move on.
Often we get so carried away by the perceived rejection that we don’t pause and think if there were underlying difference in values and beliefs. The fact that relationship was not able to progress smoothly indicates there were issues that needed to be addressed. Now instead of addressing them, if someone is going to take the easy way out, why do you need to break your head over it?
There comes a point in life where you need to decide. Are you going to let every Tom, Dick and Harry dictate how you feel about yourself? Or are you going to take charge of your own emotions and feelings? Because let me tell you, while you’re waiting for them to feel remorse, and make you feel good about yourself, they either don’t care or they do care but in their world they come first. Nobody is perfect, not even the one you are seeking attention from. To put your sense of self in the hands of other people is just plain stupidity. Think about it, how can someone else know you better than yourself? Least of all a person who when all said and done, does not even want to be with you.
Give yourself a break, and learn to validate yourself. Self esteem starts and ends with you. You don’t need another person to think you’re a rock star to feel good in life. Find out what your values are. Having a healthy sense of your own values will make you a stronger person who doesn’t need others approval. This is the way to personal happiness and will ultimately land you in healthy relationships.