Back in my good ole dating days, i used to have this thing where if i liked someone and it seemed like they weren’t interested, i’d still keep my hopes up UNTIL i had a ‘clear’ indication that were in fact, not interested. Since then, i’ve found out that this is actually much more common than i thought. Why do we do this? Why do we keep up our hopes even when we know deep down that the other party isn’t interested? A lot of it comes down to how confident you are in handling rejection. When we are not confident about ourselves, we need validation from others about our relationship worthiness. We tend to take err..rejections personally. We see it as a rejection of us and that hurts.
Here’s the thing, if someone has consistently shown you by their actions that they are not interested, you have to believe them. It shouldn’t have to take them to say it in so many words, for you to have the realisation of it. Yes, it’s nice to be able to hear a clear no so you can try to move on but it’s not a must have for you. It takes both parties to put in their 100% for a relationship to work. I see a lot of women doubt themselves, “But what if i’m misreading him?” or ” Maybe if i’m patient and hang in there, they’ll see what a great person i am and start to show more interest.” or even “Maybe they take time to warm up..”. Ladies, if a man has demonstrated through his actions or non actions, hints, responses or lack of, that he’s not interested, it is time to back off!
“No Thanks” is a nice to have but don’t expect it.
Most people do their best to avoid having an awkward conversation. A fear of confrontation keeps them from doing the decent thing and saying that actually it’s not working out for them for whatever reason. But you shouldn’t make it about you. If it’s only been a few dates, then there’s not much to say anyway.. onwards and forwards. If it’s been for longer, then better now than carrying along wasting your time and energy over a person who doesn’t even want to be with you.
Meanwhile they keep dropping clues…
It’s actually a common scenario where one party isn’t as interested as the other one and keeps sending little hints here and there, hoping that the signs of disinterest will get recognised. Why? Because let’s face it owning up to the fact that they aren’t interested and letting the other person know, especially if you’ve gone on a fair bit of dates is the decent thing to do however awkward it may be. And that’s why they can’t, because they don’t have the guts to do it. Typically, these hints get bigger and more glaring every time you choose to ignore it. It may start out with not calling when they were supposed to or generally taking you and your time for granted. Over time, they start pushing the boundaries and start doing things which are disrespectful like not responding to calls or texts or doing it when they feel like it. Of course, this is just one example, there are hundreds of them which are far worse! Don’t do there. Pause and think, make sure to observe such patterns right from when you first recognise such behaviour.
The thing is some guys like having someone on the ice for an ego boost. They are fine with the way things are because they don’t need to extend themselves by way of time or effort. They won’t say yes, they won’t say no. They’ll just be vague. When you try to have a conversation with them, you don’t get anywhere and the lack of clarity is frustrating. Oh by the way, some people make you feel like you’re crazy for asking where the relationship is going. Beware of these types! If you feel that they don’t want to have a serious conversation/are avoiding giving a clear answer/are making you feel like you are rushing it, then don’t push it. This is why trusting your gut is so important because it often tells us things that we don’t realise.
A lot of it has to do with self confidence. People who trust their own judgement don’t delude themselves. They don’t rationalise situations which don’t feel right. They don’t make excuses for other people. They definitely don’t waste their time or energy on someone that isn’t interested in them.
I must also make a special mention of the opposite scenario where someone may tell you that they are interested in you but their actions may not match upto the words. You may find yourself getting puzzled by the contradiction. These people don’t have the guts to make and keep a commitment. Basically, it’s all hot air. They’ll say one thing in the morning, another in the afternoon and end the day with something different yet again. After a while, the drama won’t be exciting trust me.
Finally – Thou shalt not over think it.
Sure, you can carry on living in your own fantasy world and pretend that if you just did that little bit extra, maybe just maybe they can be won over? If you HAVE to think, please think about what is it that makes you stick around? The thing is, a lot of times we don’t want to listen to the signs that are telling us that it’s time to draw our own conclusion and move on. No, that would mean facing reality and actually accepting that things haven’t worked out. It means putting an end to the fantasies that we’ve built up in our mind. It may be that whatever picture you have in your mind of their ideal partner, this person represents that. So we refuse to let go. We want to live in that dream world. Because it keeps you in that lazy comfortable zone, all while you sense a faint discomfort at the back of your mind. Believe me, you can analyse every move, every text message, everything that you may have said or not, but it will not help because it’s not about that. They are not interested. End of.
You can debate it internally all you want, but at some point you have to accept reality and understand that if they really were interested, a) you wouldn’t be going crazy trying to figure out if they are interested b) things would’ve progressed naturally on it’s own.
Someone who is interested will not leave you guessing about their intentions. Just remember, they don’t have to explicitly say anything. You are free to make your own judgement based on their actions and how you actually feel. It doesn’t matter if it’s one date or a relationship of a few months or years. Always trust your gut. It’s your internal system which takes everything into account. And remember, if you feel frustrated at the lack of an answer, you probably already have it.
Have you ever been ‘rejected’ non verbally or in a vague manner? How did you feel when it happened and what did you do?