” But he’s got it all wrong! If only i’d explained why X Y or Z happened.. maybe he’d still care about me..”
If you have been in a relationship with an immature aka emotionally unavailable man, chances are when anything goes wrong in that relationship you become The Defender. By that, i mean you tend to defend and justify any perceived failing, misgiving or mistake on your part thinking that if they could only see that it’s not your fault then things would be okay. You might feel like clarifying something that in your mind ‘got left out’ that they just have to know. It could be an information that you think caused a misunderstanding or maybe it’s something that you were accused of for which you finally have ‘proof’ that you’re innocent or it could be a general point of disagreement.
At times like these, our minds go into overdrive. If they are an emotionally immature person chances are the both of you never had a proper conversation to sort things out ever. It’ll be more like one person defending themselves against the other, more often than not it’ll be you doing the defending. You get blamed for something or there’s a misunderstanding, it never really is discussed and resolved although both of you let it fester at the back of your mind and then one fine day, months later you argue about something else, and this somehow pops up. Add a bit more spice to it, it then gets snowballed into something bigger and there we go, one more bone of contention.
When things go wrong in a relationship, instead of taking a step back and figuring out why the misunderstandings happened in the first place, we become fixated on clarifying certain things which may have happened, knowingly or unknowingly, which make you feel guilty. So you somehow accept blame for the entire state of the relationship. Is this about them or you? Many people suffer from the ‘Good Girl/Guy Syndrome’ which makes them want to be 100% perfect in the other person’s eyes. How much of this about them giving you a clean chit and how much is about you really wanting to be with them?
Yes, there are times when you do need to clarify things with the other person, but it should be done then and there or at least at the earliest opportunity. You don’t wait for a time when things are going wrong anyway to issue these clarifications. If you’ve not been treated right in the relationship, then why defend yourself? It’s really not going to make any difference to them. A decent guy will ask questions and try and sort things out in a direct way rather than use it against you and keep you in limbo.
How long are you going to keep explaining yourself? Believe me, if someone wants to be with you, they’ll find ways to get there. Which is not to say you shouldn’t communicate, you should but what you also need to ask yourself is this, is the relationship going great guns otherwise or is it yet another thing in a long list of their issues.
This is where Self Validation plays such an important part. It may seem to you that you are putting things right but you have to ask yourself what is it that you’re trying to achieve. Why do you need them to validate that you’re a good person? If you feel that something wasn’t your fault then isn’t that good enough? If someone’s not interested, they’re not interested. Period. What can you possibly say that is going to change their mind and feel like you’re the perfect person on earth? And who made them the judge anyway?
You can carry on trying to set the record straight but you know what, it’s not gonna change much. Cause guess what? It’s not about you! This is about them and the fact that these ‘issues’ for which you are beating yourself up for is not the real reason that’s holding them back. If you care so much about what they think, then it shows that you are vulnerable. If it’s an immature person, they will use your vulnerability to make themselves feel better. In the end, that’s the biggest takeaway from this, it’s not you. It never was.
Focus on yourself and get in touch with your own values. This will help you stop obsessing about what he thinks. More importantly, learn to validate yourself on your actions. Maybe you could’ve done certainly things differently but that still doesn’t take away from the fact that there are two people in a relationship and it just wasn’t working. Whatever the reasons may be, it certainly is not this. Draw your own conclusion and stop defending yourself in front of someone who doesn’t show you the respect you deserve.