Are you the kind that reads too much into other people’s actions and behavior? And then get stressed out over what they think of you? Because i’ll be honest, i used to do that till a couple of years ago. I would dissect each and every thing i said or did in any difficult situation, and try to make sense of it. I know a lot of women go bonkers trying to figure out what is it that they have done wrong or what’s lacking in them. Unless we have high self esteem, we’re likely to think-
He’s not interested..Maybe something is wrong me.
He’s acting flaky, doesn’t give me an answer. Maybe something is wrong with me.
He/She’s got so many problems and doesn’t know how to deal with them. Maybe something is wrong with me.
They don’t like me. Maybe something is wrong with me.
Often times, we think we can control just about anything in this world. And actually that’s partly true.
You can control just about anything in this world, so long as it’s related to YOU.
Why do you keep putting yourself at the centre of people’s decisions and actions? Because it makes you remain emotionally invested in the situation.
And that’s a cop out. It’s harder building a healthy level of self esteem so that you don’t get unduly affected by things which at the end of the day, aren’t really in your control. There’s no doubt that people with a healthy sense of self learn to differentiate between their responsibility and others’ and they certainly do not make excuses for other people’s poor behavior. Sometimes you just have to accept that no matter what you do or say, some people may not like you, someone may not fall for you, somebody will blame you without any basis and of course some people may also project their problems on to you. If you spend your time thinking you can convince people to think or act in a certain way, you’ll feel powerless and out of control.
Just like you have your own understanding of a situation, other people have theirs. Now you may feel their’s is not the right version and it may well not be, but thinking that you are somehow responsible for someone having issues with you or just generally is over inflating your own sense of power over others. Fact of the matter is, you don’t really have a say in how anyone feels about anything. The only time when your thoughts, words and actions come into the picture is when the person in question is you. When you realise this, you will feel free.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to walk away from a situation because there’s nothing you can do to fix it. That’s counter intuitive to a lot of people, because right from an early age we’re told to ‘never give up’ – even if it’s at the cost of us losing self respect or putting ourselves through hell trying to win over someone. Does it really matter? Fact is, as human beings we have very little or practically no control over how someone thinks or chooses to carry on with their life.
After being put countless number of times in this situation i can tell you that, even in cases where you have actual reason to believe it’s about you, it’s still not about you. I remember going back to explain to this guy in the past that he’d genuinely misunderstood me, it was frustrating because I knew what the truth was but felt helpless! The thing to remember is – The more time you spend explaining/convincing/feeling pity the more miserable you will feel and the more unsure/angry/distant the other person will get. That doesn’t mean you should just let go of someone the moment there’s a sense of conflict but it is an indication for you to keep your mind clear and make a decision based on facts. This may mean the end of a relationship or it may mean that you think it over, say your piece ONCE and move on. This is much better than torturing yourself and going into coulda, shoulda, woulda mode.
Remember that there is a world out there much bigger than yourself, it’s full of people with their own thought processes. Your job is not to re program another person’s brain, it’s to be comfortable in your own thoughts and supporting yourself.
What are your thoughts? Hehe