Ah so it’s that time of the year again. Whether you’re contemplating wishing your ex on their birthday, Valentines day or any other special day, just know that you’re not alone. Every day thousands of women all across the world are going through mental agony, analysing and rationalising over and over, whether to send that text or make that call! That’s right, all that stress to send one frikkin message out to the ex.. I do know enough about this to know that it’s NEVER about just wishing them.. I remember wishing an ex on his birthday after i’d cut contact and that set the ball rolling on to a few more months of despair till i finally put a stop to it. All that started from just one single text.
Your mind’s probably gone into overdrive thinking ” Should i send him a text? Or maybe not.. but if i don’t then it’ll appear to him that i don’t care and have forgotten.. Not that i care.. It’s just a text right, it’ll appear casual.. it doesn’t matter. Maybe he might see that i’m trying to be nice and have actually remembered their birthday and maybe who knows.. Should i make it formal or just a short sweet message? Or should i just send a card or call him instead? But then what if he thinks i’ve not gotten over them.. but wait i have.. or haven’t i? Oh it’s complicated.. “
If you’re getting in touch to prove to yourself and/or them that you have really moved on – Don’t. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone, it’s enough that you know. You may have distanced yourself from all the past drama and mind games, but if you reach out it will all start again especially since there was no closure or resolution. Even if you were to get in touch, it is not likely to prove anything except show them that you in fact still care about their validation and in some way are still emotionally attached to them. It gives them a high to think that you still think about them and if it is a Crazy Maker, he will use it to gain a foothold on to your life. The best way to be cool with something is to actually ignore it, come what may till it fades away completely from your mind.
If you’re getting in touch to get their attention – Don’t. You are not that desperate. This person was behaving in a way that was detrimental to the relationship and basically screwed around with your mind. Why do you need their attention to feel special? Focus on your own life and get busy with it. If you do manage to get their attention, it will be short lived. They will do a ‘short switch’ and carry on what they were doing before you reappeared.
If you’re getting in touch because you feel lonely/ need some drama – Don’t. While it may momentarily make you feel good because you’ll be in that ‘familiar’ zone again, it will also wreck havoc with your mind later. If you choose to play with fire, you will have to bear the consequences. While it’s perfectly ok to feel lonely or sad sometimes especially right after a break up, you try to get over that by focussing on yourself and your needs instead of seeking more pain.
If you have to spend so much time just figuring out if you want to send someone a text or message on facebook, then don’t do it.
I see so many people constantly breaking their heads over this, and what’s more its for someone who obviously hasn’t thought about you. If you are gonna care so much about something, shouldn’t you actually do it for a person who’s actually worthy of it? I know of instances where people worry about exes who din’t bother to make them feel special at all at any stage in the erstwhile relationship. If you’re getting to a point where you’re expending more brain energy wondering what they’ll think if you do or don’t send the message, you shouldn’t be sending it. You need to ask yourself, are you sending that text just to wish them? or to be the good girl who always lets bygones be bygones ( read breaking her own boundaries ) and sends out a message? Because if you’re doing it to make yourself look good in their eyes, it kind of defeats the purpose.
Why would you want to get back in touch with someone who you’ve had to called things off or cut contact with anyway? Especially to wish them on a special day like a birthday? To show that you care? Isn’t that contradictory?
So, does that mean people can’t or shouldn’t send congratulatory messages or wishes out to their ex? Well, honestly it depends. Depending on how the relationship ended, some people just end up becoming friends over time, and in that case it really doesn’t matter. Then, there’s that group of people who use birthdays and other special days as an opportunity to get back in touch with their ex. It basically says ” Looks like you’d forgotten me for a while there, so i’m sending this message to show you that i’m still thinking about you!”
Do it only if you can send a text or call to wish them and then forget about it. In other words, do it only if you truly don’t have an ulterior motive for sending a message out.
Now, this is really hard to do and having broken this rule in the past, i can tell you if you haven’t gotten over your ex or gotten closure it can set you up for further pain and uncertainty. Yes it may feel exciting (rooted in anxiety) to reach out but what happens afterwards? How long will you keep wishing them? You may feel that by not wishing them, you will well and truly shut any opportunity to get back in touch with them. You must be honest with yourself as to why you’re getting in touch with them.
If after sending a message, you don’t hear back don’t obsess, just because you wished them doesn’t make them obliged to respond back to you. Same goes for when you’re reaching out for a genuinely humane reason ( like a bereavement or natural calamity) keep it to the point say something like “I’m sorry about your loss, hope you find the strength to deal with it. Take care.” Don’t start over analysing it. Also it would be pretty pompous of you to assume that they will be sitting there waiting for your message. For all you know, hard as it may be to read this, they might have met someone and it will just be intrusive of you to get in touch unless that’s what you really wanted. Really now, what purpose does that serve other than to bring you down more? If you can’t send a message to them without expecting a reply in return, simply don’t send it. You’ve got better things to do than keep hankering for attention from someone who hasn’t cared much for you or your feelings. Truth is, their world will not fall apart if you don’t message them. And at the end of the day, remember that it’s not an obligation. Don’t over think things till your brain explodes just relax and let it be.
What do you think?
Hi, I’m Aishwarya! Whether you want to declutter your mind, become more self aware & confident in yourself, or resolve a relationship issue, i’m here to help you. Decode your emotional baggage and relationships through my deep and clear insights, no fluff advice and step by step action plans.