One of the first things which struck me after being single again is how much time i’d actually spent trying to go back and forth, trying to make a wrong relationship right, explaining, convincing (mostly myself) that we ought to give it one more shot. Of course, when i became disappointed as usual, i would start with the self doubting, make excuses on their behalf and brace for another drama. This din’t really stop even after i broke up, i would still keep going back and still hoping. In my mind, i felt this ‘connection’ and surely that must mean something right? This in spite of all indications pointing to the fact that my needs weren’t being met in the relationship and that it actually served no purpose other than to make me feel crappy inside.
It can be tricky because you may find you’re having to fight your own doubts and sense of guilt. When a relationship hasn’t worked out quite the way we planned it, it can be tempting to go back to ‘correct’ everything and just make it happen. You will be reminded of the times you feel you made mistakes and feel guilty about it. What you will often forget is that a relationship involves two people. Yes mistakes were made, but what it also means is that both of you weren’t inherently compatible. Yes there are periods in a relationship, when both people get an opportunity to put things right, get over misunderstandings and start afresh. But this happens only when there was mutual compatibility and respect to begin with.
If you chase after a feeling, and give them the attention they clearly don’t deserve it will inflate their ego, they will start to act and feel like they’re bigger than they are and basically treat you as a nobody. You will get to a point where you will be exhausted and frustrated with life and that will in turn feed onto itself. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up on something you thought was a given, you feel like you’ve spent so much time working at the relationship that you’ve got to somehow make it happen. But consider this, while you’re chasing them down, hunting for answers.. how much of an effort have they actually made to make things work? What concrete actions have they taken to enable the both of you to be together? Often times i’ve found that while one party is obsessively trying, wishing, hoping.. the other is simply happy to take a backseat and enjoying lapping up all the attention, without really making any efforts in return. Hell they don’t even seem to call you back when they say they will, are too ‘busy’ or generally not bothered. The lack of response and attention hits your ego and fuels your obsession further.
Often you will find that as you start to move on, you will start to feel a little anxious. The lack of drama means there is an empty void in it’s place and if you don’t replace it with something positive to occupy your life with, it will soon suck you back in. This is why although it’s important to make a decision to move on, its equally important to then take conscious steps to further cement that decision.
Moving on is never easy, there may be setbacks but you need to find a way to not make a mountain out of a molehill every time you slip up. There seems to be an unrealistic expectation we place on ourselves to be perfectly calm and happy right after a break up. And when we struggle through the initial days, instead of being self compassionate we tend to go too hard on ourselves. Come on really?
Breaking up with someone is not supposed to be easy. It will get worse before it gets better.
There i said it. You may have invested a lot of time into the relationships, pinned your hopes and dreams on to someone, and the next thing you know it doesn’t seem to be heading anywhere. That is hard to digest for most people. I struggled with all of my breakups for way longer than i should’ve . That’s because i really din’t give myself the chance to grieve the loss of the relationship, and instead focussed on trying to salvage something that wasn’t even there. If you keep going back, trying to convince them to make it work, you will only put yourself through more pain. Quite honestly, how can you ever feel secure with someone who you literally had to chase down or convince to give you a chance? Say it with me. If they don’t seem to be making efforts, it’s not because they’re busy/ distracted/ taking a break/ hurt because of your actions, it is because they are not interested to pursue a relationship with you. Sometimes they will give a lukewarm response, because like you they can’t stand the thought of being alone albeit for the time being. It is just convenient to have you there for now. Don’t be fooled by such a situation, you can be sure when they do decide to move on, you will definitely not be a consideration and will be left standing there wondering what happened.
Ofcourse it hurts and it is natural to feel hurt, but believe me you can control how much pain you put yourself through. Don’t expect to feel better overnight but do have faith that no matter what, you will stand by you and will pull yourself through this. Take the first step, and get on with your life. Yes it will not be easy, but you will find as time passes, the thoughts of them in your mind will begin to be replaced by other things that are worthy of your time. Don’t give up on you.